10 years.

So I knew this day was coming. It does every year. But this year, this year it has been 10 years since my Dad died. 10 years. That makes me take pause. It makes me sad. I've been really missing my Dad and missing having him experience my life. See me. See my babies. See my house. See my existence. And it hurts and it sucks and it has me thinking a lot sadness, grief and missing someone who you can never have back. And I feel like I have finally figured out a way to describe the feeling, at least for me. Grief and missing my Dad is like a blanket which I carry around all the time. Most of the time it is gossamer and so thin that I hardly notice the weight on my shoulders. But at times that blanket gets heavier. Sometimes it is a good memory weighing me down like a soft, cotton coverlet on a Summer night. But sometimes it is heavy and like a scratchy wool blanket it seems as if it will almost suffocate me. I cannot see beyond the moment or the memory and in those moments, my heart hurts. Since having Huck I have had a few more heavy moments, weighed down by the wool blanket of grief. It is not because I am sad, per se but because I am disappointed of all that Daddy is and will miss out on. I cannot show him my two beautiful boys and my sweet life that I have created with Matt. It is a struggle to see the positive sometimes but I have come to understand that you do not grow out of grief nor does it ever leave you alone completely. But it does get lighter and I hope that there are more gossamer blanket days ahead.

F.I.V.E.

"it takes courage to grow up and become who you are." - e.e. cummings

Oh my sweet, rambunctious, loveable Oliver Ellsworth. I can still remember holding Oliver in those first days. Most of that time is hazy to me unless my memory is sparked by something else, but I remember that. I've never been a cuddler really, never someone who could ever fall asleep in someone's arms, or with someone in mine, but suddenly, that's what I was doing. All day and all night, I had this perfect tiny boy nestled up on my chest and it was the greatest happiness I'd ever experienced.

Five years. It flies by far too quickly- just like people say it will. And they're totally correct. When you're in it, it feels slow. Some days drag, right? But then all of a sudden he's turning one and you're laughing about how you're going to blink and he'll be five. And you blink. And suddenly...you're there.

I always say that there's a before and after. Not just just before I became a Mom and afterward, because that's obvious. But before I became everything I am now, and that is marked by Oliver's birth. I have never thought of myself as only a mother when I became a mother- I've always tried to hold onto me, just as me, without the wife, mother, whatever I am at the moment title. But having a child changed all of the other things too. I am a different wife. A different daughter. A different friend. It's amazing really, to think about this one thing, that affects every other part of my life in the most complicated, beautiful, inspiring way.

What a gift to be Oliver's mama. And today we celebrate our sweet boy turning the big FIVE. There's so much more to be said, but I'll leave it at this: happy birthday, Ollie! xoxo

four.three

51/52

big boy out for a scooter ride. 

snuggle bug, baby bird, mini man who needs to work on his sleeping skills. 

NYC

Last year, one of my nearest and dearest, Liz and I met up in New York around this time of year as a Mama getaway. We were both pregnant and we greatly enjoyed good food and fabulous company. Fast forward to this year, I was itchy for a getaway but alas Liz could not join so I went solo. And had a fantastic time. I really do enjoy visiting New York. There is an abundance of art and bookstores and coffee! And I also had one very important reason for this trip.  My wonderful friend Renée  whom I have known since high school and who studied at Sotheby's a year after me just started working at the MoMA...swoon! I am so proud of her and yes, a bit jealous too! So my trip started out with lunch and catching up with Renée  at her beautiful new place of employment. 

click through to see ALL the photos!

50/52

Well, we are coming down to it with this years 52 project. And what an interesting little photo book this year will be. From a single 4 year old child to a 5 year old and 6 month old. crazy all that has happened in this year. I like to see these two pictures as perfect examples of cozy, winter things; hot cocoa and warm sweaters...perfectly "hygge", right?!